Sorry about not writing yesterday. I was EXTREMELY busy!! — Which is a GOOD thing!!
I was busy trying to finish up listing all of the clothes that my friend Katie dropped by last Monday. (She had 12 pieces and it took me aaaallllllll week to get them prepared, photographed, inventoried and listed! Whew!!! I have 3 (maybe 4!) more people that will be giving me items soon, as well. I better step up my game!!
One thing I learned yesterday was that you need to make sure that your PayPal account is set to go WAY before you sell anything on eBay!!! Geeezzzzzz. Took me half the morning to get that straightened out! And… I still can’t pocket the money yet, because I have to wait however many days for it to be set up through my bank. UGH!!! Oh well. I’ll survive. It was just a nightmare there for a bit. Hopefully…. once I get all that set up, eBay will be worth the effort along with my Poshmark!
I guess you’re probably wondering what I sold on eBay, huh? Haha…. 😉
Well… that story will be coming along as I share my journal writings with you. It has absolutely nothing to do with my Hashi’s, but I plan to share that whole YEAR that I wasted trying to do something and failed MISERABLY!! I mean… BIG TIME, FAILED!!
Journal Entry: Saturday – March 7, 2015
That stupid sleep medication is NOT helping me at all!! I woke up every hour last night! I did (somehow) sleep more hours, though. But…. ya… I don’t like that medicine. I am going to try and sleep without it tonight. (This is interesting. I eventually took myself off of this medication, but now… just within the last month, or so… I’m back on it!! haha!!)
It looks like Mandy will be hired by the airline. Her exam went well. We aren’t sure just “where” she will be starting out yet, though. She mentioned DETROIT, though. Yikes!
Journal Entry: Monday – March 9, 2015
I woke up this morning with a POUNDING headache!! UGH!!!
I spent part of my day reading through my journals from 2012. That was a rough year and I was terribly depressed!! (Interesting. Here I thought the past two years – 2015 & 2016 – were my most depressed years!) I’ve been trying to read through my journals to pin-point a time when all of my peri-menopause symptoms started. I’m still not clear about it, but I’m thinking that it all started somewhere between 2010-2012.
Interesting (again). That is 8-10 years that I have been dealing with this CRAP!! But… through all of my reading and researching , I do remember reading that it lasts for about 10 years, soooo…. that makes sense.
For any of you GUYS reading this…. I apologize.
Oh wait. —– NO I DON’T!!!
Instead… I want to say….. LUCKY!!
I found this picture when I Googled “Lucky”. The article that is pictured on is very interesting, if you take the time to read it. I learned a few things!
I struggle with titles for my blog posts EVERY time I write!
I have a migraine this morning, but I am going to push through and get a blog post written for you. I’ve been missing days lately because of the holiday weekend and Hubs has been home, not feeling well.
Another thing that has had me busy the past couple of days is my Poshmark store! I had quite a few sales over the weekend AND…. I had a friend give me some things to sell for her!! WAHOO!! I have been busy processing and getting her things listed. It is time-consuming, but fun and I LOVE IT! 🙂
Journal Entry: Tuesday – March 5, 2015
Well… I didn’t wake up with a headache, so that’s a good sign! (Got one today, tho!!) But, once again, I only slept for about 6 hours. (I did this for a while. Recently it was better and I was sleeping a little more. Now…. I’m back to only 5-6 hours again.)
Yesterday, was a good day. I did have heart palpitations ALL DAY! I don’t feel them this morning, so that’s good. Although… I kinda’ wish they were there because I have that appointment with my endocrinologist today.
My friend, Melissa, is going with me and I appreciate that. I am so nervous! I made a list of questions to ask and my current symptoms. I made a copy for the doctor, as well.
My eating is OUT OF CONTROL!!! And… of course… I don’t want the “good-for-you” foods. I only want the JUNK FOOD!
Journal Entry: Friday – March 6, 2015
I don’t know if I’ll have time to write about my whole day yesterday, or not. I may have to finish it later.
My anxiety was OUT THE ROOF yesterday as I went to go pick up Melissa and head to my doctor’s appointment! It was pouring rain, too and I could feel my BP rising. Not good. When we got there, the nurse took my BP and it was 160/97!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think KNOW it was my nerves.
Next, we saw the doctor. He examined me and said that my thyroid was still slightly enlarged. Then, he looked at my blood work report and said that my thyroid levels were good, but my estrogen was low. He also said that he doesn’t think that I’m getting enough sleep (DUH!!) or eating enough food. (REALLY???) So, we talked about that.
He put me on a sleep medication called… Ambien and a combined medication for my hormones … Progestin. (A year later…. I learned that I should have NEVER taken this drug!) He also told me to take one of the medications for my Restless Legs in the morning instead of at night because it was for anxiety, not sleep. He said that my anxiety is why my BP is high. So, if I can get that under control, then it will help. He said that all of my other symptoms are caused by “Peri-menopause“. UGH!
I DO still have the Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, but it is an autoimmune disease that’s attacking my thyroid. Right now… my thyroid is “okay”. (At this point… I was still unclear about what an “autoimmune disease” was and also that Hashi’s is LIFELONG, not temporary.)
Melissa and I left the doctor’s office and went to lunch downtown at a pizza place. After that, I took her back to her office and I went to see my mom. I told her about everything and I broke down in tears when I realized how many medications that I would be taking and that I had always told myself that I would NOT be like her and be totally UNHEALTHY! (I don’t think I said those exact words to my mom, but she knew that she didn’t take care of herself and because of that… she paid the consequences with her health. I look at myself now…. and …. here I am going down the same path. I’m such a failure. I seem to fail at everything I do. — Sorry. It’s the depression talking.)
But… really… Menopause is a natural thing that women go through, and the Hashi’s is not because I’m “unhealthy”, so… I guess I can’t blame myself for all of this. THANK YOU, LORD!
I went to the pharmacy to pick up my new meds and the hormone drug was $50.00!!!! I could feel my anxiety rising again had to take a few deep breaths. Since it was a new drug for me, I had to talk to the pharmacist about the side effects. —- UGH!!! NOT GOOD!!!! When I got back out to my car, I broke down in tears… AGAIN! I dreaded telling Hubs.
The tears came flooding back when I got home. I told hubs and he “tried” to be sweet.
I wish I could stay home today. I don’t want to go to work.
It’s Memorial Day. This might be the first year in a long time that we had no plans what-so-ever. We usually are at the beach, or hanging out with friends and family somewhere. In the past…. I wouldn’t have been happy not having anything on our agenda. Now… I really don’t care.
It’s probably the depression and/or the hashi’s that makes me feel this way. I’m not sure.
I’ve been reading and exploring more about Hashimoto’s and I learn more each time I do. I’m finding it helpful to read other people’s journey’s with it. I also realized that there are many celebrities that have it. (I’m sure that they have personal trainers and LOTS of help to keep them skinny, tho!)
Here are a few links to some that I found yesterday.
I still have …. my family issues (I mentioned this in yesterday’s post. This is causing me a great deal of depression at the moment.) … Hubs being sick… trying to make money through my Poshmark store … learning to sell on eBay … and a dog that won’t stay out of the pool (yaaa… it’s cute, but it’s also a pain in the *#%*!
Life is definitely interesting!
Journal Entry: Wednesday – March 4, 2014
Yesterday started off better, but didn’t go so well later.
I was teaching a new client how to use one of the machines and I started feeling that hot “flushed” feeling that I’ve been getting. Then, my heart started “fluttering” or feeling weird. I went and took my BP and it was high… again!! 155/92!!!! HOLY MESS!!!!! What is going on with me???
I got myself settled back down and even decided to try and workout, but slowly. I was doing great and feeling fine and then the phone rang and I had to deal with a couple of things. And then… it happened AGAIN!! (feeling like I did earlier) I went and took my BP again and it was 138/86. Still high, but not as bad.
My schedule that day had me leaving work at 11:00 am. The phone rang again and it was a co-worker who was supposed to come in at 10:00, saying that she was sick and couldn’t find another co-worker to come in for her, so I had to stay until 1:00 pm until the NEXT co-worker was scheduled to arrive! UGH!! I wanted to go home so bad!
I talked to Hubs and he suggested that I try and get an earlier appointment with my Endocrinologist (sooner than next Thursday!). So, I called and they had an opening for tomorrow morning!! YAY!! Now, I have to get all of my notes and questions in order.
I continued to have heart palpitations on and off throughout the day, even after I got home. I even felt it when I went to bed last night! (Now, that I am re-reading this…. I bet this was caused by anxiety.)
I’m having a rough morning… again. Seems to be the “norm” here, lately. I want very much to share the reason with you, but it’s personal and I don’t think it should be shared publicly. I will say that it has to do with FAMILY.
Writing through the tears….
Yesterday, Hubs and I went to look at campers again. We are hoping to buy a 5th wheel sometime later this year. We have been looking on and off for months, trying to decide on the one that we can afford and that fits our needs and “likes”. If you aren’t sure what a 5th wheel is… here’s a picture. This is one that we looked at and liked. I love all the woodwork! The bedroom and bath aren’t pictured, but they are in the upper part of the camper.
After we got home yesterday, I was SOOOO TIRED! For whatever reason, all of my energy had vanished. My only guess is that I was having a “Hashi’s Day”.
I don’t want to go to church. I am too emotional. (We go to early church) It also has to do with the fact that I have become so antisocial. It has nothing to with anyone else. It’s just ME.
Well…. I just Googled “Hashimoto’s and feeling antisocial” and found an article… (might be a blog. I’m not sure)… written by a lady with Hashi’s. It was written in 2011, but that is irrelevant, because I TOTALLY RELATE TO IT!!! The only one big difference is that she doesn’t have the weight gain symptom, and I …. of course!! … do.
The title of the article is called … Hashimoto’s: Life as a Zombie (You can click to read the actual article… or keep reading below and read it with my added highlights)
The title is PERFECT! (Thankfully, I don’t always feel that way. But… I do often)
I think I’m going to copy and paste it into a WORD document and highlight the parts that I relate to, and attach that as well.
Still writing through the tears….
Here is the LINK to the article where I have highlighted parts of it.
Never mind. I can’t figure out how to attach a WORD document. UGH. Sooo…. I know it will make this blog post long… but I am going to copy and paste it here. Forgive me for not getting to my journal today. This is a definite “bunny trail”, but it is an informative one.
WordPress won’t let me highlight… so… the parts I relate to are in bold BLUE.
Hashimoto’s: Life as a Zombie
Two attempted suicides. One arrest for uttering threats of suicide. A week long sabbatical at the St. Micheal’s Hospital Psychiatric Ward. One discarded prescription for Prozac. Eight years of crippling anxiety attacks. One clinical diagnosis of bipolar disorder. 4, 380 hours of sleep per year. 8, 760 hours of immobilizing exhaustion. Unknown hours of missed work. Unknown number of memories unremembered. Unknown number of words, definitions and spellings, lost and forgotten. Unknown number of social functions unattended.Two failed relationships. Several failed friendships. Over 80 hours of Emergency room wait time per year. Unknown number of UTI’s, kidney infection’s and anaphylactic episodes. Unknown number of hours spent on the toilet. 300 dollars of antibiotics per year. Thousands of dollars of acupuncture, colonic treatments, vitamins and acne skin treatments. An unexaggerated million needle pricks. 20 gallons of blood drawn.One ultrasound. (I’ve had two, so far.) Unknown number of hours of absolute misery.
This was my life. Most days this continues to be my life, however, now I can say with absolute confidence that I am NOT crazy, I am NOT lazy, I am NOT complacent, I DO NOT have a mood disorder, I am NOT bipolar, I am NOT antisocial and I am NOT clinically depressed. I AM, however, one of the millions of people suffering from an autoimmune disease called Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis. Quite simply, my body is attacking itself, in specifically it is attacking and causing gradual destruction to my thyroid gland. The disease has such an expansive range of consequences on the mind and body it often gets camouflaged as many other physical and mental disorders. More than half of the people suffering from Hashimoto’s are either undiagnosed or misdiagnosed. My diagnosis took 8 years. I saw countless psychiatrists and MD’s. When hypothyroidism was suspected I was refused a referral to an Endocrinologist by two different doctors. I was prescribed countless medications and vitamins to treat constipation, depression, anxiety, memory loss, iron deficiencies, fatigue and sleep deprivation. I have developed alcoholic habits to subdue my symptoms. I have withdrawn from my friends, from my loves and my life. The disease has robbed me of time, memories, happiness and simple pleasures. It has taken my spirit and left an empty shell.
Perhaps the most difficult and challenging component to the disease is trying to convince the rest of the world it exists. Unless you are a fellow sufferer, Hashimotos is impossible to understand and very difficult to clarify.
For the most part my physical symptoms are undetectable to the public. For whatever reason I have been unaffected by one of the major physical symptoms of Hashimoto’s; weight gain. (I’m jealous!!) However, Hashimoto’s affects each sufferer individually.Physically I am afflicted by bowel issues, menstrual issues, extreme sensitivity to cold followed by hot flashes, frequent illness including kidney infections and throat infections, hoarse voice, numbness and tingling in fingers, difficulty swallowing, enlarged thyroid,low body temperature, coarse skin, acne, dry hair, brittle nails, muscle cramps, heart pain and extreme EXTREME fatigue. I can often sleep 12 hours or more and will wake feeling completely ragged. Some days I lackenoughenergy to bath myself, dress myself or even feed myself. However and having said that, I’d much rather contend with the aforementioned than the malady of my mind.
One of the affects of Hashimoto’s is parallel to that of aging. As you age, memory, concentration and the ability to process new information becomes challenging.(This is part of the reason I had to quit my bookkeeping job.) Hashimoto’s has made my mind forget.My long term and short term memory sometimes operates as poorly as an elderly with dementia. If I am asked to perform a task at work, 9 times out of 10, within seconds and steps on route to execute the task, I will forget what I was meant to be doing.I have forgotten the names of close friends and relatives. I have massive trenches of blankness when trying to recollect my past memories. Due to these bouts of forgetfulness I have disappointed and frustrated many friends, employers, co-workers, partners etc. I have been perceived as inconsiderate, uncaring and irresponsible. I have also shown symptoms of slowing cognitive processing. My mind frequently wanders without any clarity. I am unable to vocalize entire thoughts in an articulate and fluid fashion.I get stumped on words in mid sentence. I have forgotten meanings and spellings of words. Often it is difficult for me to understand or retain new information. I often feel dense and unintelligent. I also suffer from periods of extreme sadness and depression. I often withdraw from social activities, (YES!) I am deficient ofpassion and enthusiasm. It is often impossible to get happy, regardless of the pleasures in my life. I avoid friendships and most conversations. (I did this one in RED in hopes that if any of my friends read this, they will understand why.) Unfortunately I don’t have a blinking light on my forehead signally ‘Hashimotos’ and many of these symptoms can be easily judged as character inadequacies. Some may believe and judge me to be haughty, snobbish and/or peculiar. Some that have encountered me in certain moments may think I am slow or dimwitted.(I’m sure that this is what my boss saw in me.) Others may find me moody and irritable.
As an artist and vocalist I can’t imagine a more terrible set of circumstances. Hashimoto’s has stunted my creativity. It has made me indifferent as a performer. It has affected the quality and control of my voice. It has agitated my focus and moodsin rehearsals and creative sessions. My once fiery passion for music, imagination, creativity and originality has been smothered and snuffed out. HOWEVER, there is a small piece of the old me left within, kicking and screaming, and she intends to fight hard to kick this thing in the ASS. As part of that campaign I felt it was very important for me to ventilate my feelings and thoughts regarding my condition to the public and to fans. This is partially an exercise to help me articulate and organize my own thoughts about Hashimotos, however, I also want to reach out not only to fellow sufferers but also to those who may be undiagnosed. If any of the aforementioned symptoms sound familiar, I strongly encourage you to request that your doctor do a blood panel of your TSH levels, as well as your Antithyroid antibodies. PLEASE. Untreated Hashimoto’s can cause heart attack, coma, dementia, Alzheimer’s, clinical depression and a number of associated autoimmune disorders.
Restoring thyroid function by taking thyroid replacement does not necessarily make symptoms go away. In fact more times than not, Hashimoto’s sufferers continue to experience symptoms after medication is prescribed. Hashimoto’s is incurable and little is known about the rhymes and reasons of the disease. The disease can park you in a repetitive cycle of depression and fatigue which strongly prevents you from taking the necessary steps to help yourself and relieve your symptoms. However and though at times it feels like a life sentence, I genuinely believe that with a little push from within, the cycle can be broken and sound body/mind CAN be revived. I believe that by experimenting with proper diet, nutrition, supplements, practicing relaxation techniques and regular exercise in COLLABORATION with regular blood panels and dosage adjustments, my symptoms can be relieved. I am desperately hopeful. I am currently seeking many avenues of help from my MD, my Naturopath, my Endocrinologist, my Acupuncturist, as well as educating myself by speaking to fellow sufferers and studying applicable literature. I intend to track my progress and keep you posted on my findings. Though I realize what works for me may not work for others, however, perhaps it may and it’s worth sharing. I hope that by imparting my experiences, trials, failures and successes in achieving physical and mental restoration from Hashimoto’s I will help not only myself but many others who suffer worthlessly and worst, silently without compassion.
I PROMISE I will get back to this subject in later blogs. In the mean time, if you are a Hashimoto’s sufferer or believe you MAY be, please reach out to me. Sometimes a little comfort from an understanding supporter is enough to push our minds forward even when our bodies would rather wilt into the dirt.
Well, I think my thyroid levels might be leveling out because I am sleeping better at night. The downside (I guess) is that I am waking up later than I usually do and it’s throwing me off schedule! I function better with a routine, so I may have to revamp my “schedule”. But…. I suppose it’s a good thing.
I do find myself still getting very tired by mid afternoon. This is when I stop and relax. Unfortunately… when I do that, tho… my legs begin to jerk because of my Restless Leg Syndrome! So, then I have to take my first round of meds to calm my legs down so that I can sit still. The meds make me sleepy, so I usually take a nap. By 7 pm… I’m ready to go again!
I used to not have energy in the evening and would go to bed by 9 pm. Lately, tho… because my energy has been bouncing back, I am finding myself getting some things done and staying up until about 10 pm. That is SOOOOOO different for me!! I have not been able to do that in quite a while.
I have been using that time to get some paperwork done (inventory and research) for my business that I am trying so hard to get off the ground. So, it’s working out pretty good right now.
Journal Entry: Monday – March 2, 2015
Hubs and I went to church yesterday. I was afraid that I would be emotional through the whole service, but I did okay …. until communion! (I used to cry almost every time we went to church! I “think” it was the depression, but I didn’t know it at the time. It was quite embarrassing! Taking communion STILL makes me cry! It’s very emotional for me.)
Mandy was in front of me and as I watched her take communion, I LOST IT!!! (Mandy had gotten the job as a flight attendant and would be leaving soon to go train in Atanta for a month and then be sent to who-knows-where, to live and work)
Lori… (The wife of my pastor and also a pastor herself!)… was serving us and she saw that I was upset. She said the most beautiful thing to me… “God loves you Becky and He loves Mandy even more than you do! He’ll take care of her.” THAT really helped me. (She knew all about Mandy’s new job)
The next few days in my journal … were quite scary, healthwise. I’ll continue writing more tomorrow.
My best friend, in Atlanta just texted me to tell me that her daddy passed away this morning. I burst out in tears when I read the text. I know all too well what it feels like to lose both of your parents. You feel VERY alone and you feel like an orphan. It’s an awful feeling.
I used to dread Monday’s. But, now that I am at home full-time… I don’t mind them one bit! I thank the Good Lord for allowing me to be able to stay home.
This weekend… I found a YouTube channel to watch about a couple that are full-time RV’ing (living full-time in a 5th wheel!) and traveling all over the country! I have not watched many episodes, but one of the first ones that they did …
The video’s are like a blog, but done with a video camera and put on YouTube for the world to see! They are called “Vlogs”. You may have already known that, but I am just now getting caught up with the YouTube world, and I’m loving it!
Back to the story…
One of the first ones they did was of them explaining WHY they decided to go to the full-time RV life. It was very interesting. But the one thing that caught my attention the most was that Kali is battling HASHIMOTO’S just like me!!!!!! She had to quit her full-time job as well, because she couldn’t function. (ME TOO!!!) Thankfully, Josh has a job where he can remotely work and this allows them to be able to live the lifestyle that they are now living. But…. WOW!!! It was so interesting to hear Kali talk about her Hashimoto’s! — Kali, I feel for you!
My plan is to continue to watch their videos, when I have the time. Hubs and I are hoping to get a 5th Wheel later this year. We aren’t planning on RV’ing full time, but we do hope to travel more. Who knows!! Maybe we’ll make a Vlog!! ….. Well, “I” might make one. Hubs might be “behind” the camera, and most likely won’t be in front of it! 🙂
Maybe Kali will somehow see that I tagged their video into my blog and contact me! I would love that!
Journal Entry: Friday – February 27, 2015
Yesterday was a rough day! I ended up going into deep depression and had an anxiety attack!! I cried all morning and then I got SO depressed that I started feeling sick!
After I calmed down a bit, I Googled… “Hashimoto’s and Depression” and the first article that I read described me to a “T”!!! This made my anxiety even worse!!
I texted Hubs to tell him and I think he got upset with me because he told me to “quit reading about Hashi’s!”. Well… I think my anxiety started because of my feeling SO OVERWHELMED with worry about myself, my girls AND Hubs! ALL of the things that we have going on are making me like this!
I did manage to get my house fairly clean before I went into the full on anxiety attack. But, the rest of the day… I was gone… mentally, that is.
I am back to not getting enough sleep, again. It also depresses me that I will most likely have to go on a Gluten-free diet. BLECH!!!! That will be extremely difficult for me.
I am glad that today is Friday and as much as I don’t want to go to work… I need to! If I stay at home, I will stay depressed. I need to get my mind off of everything.
Yesterday, I promised to show you the autoimmune disease books that I have and the quiz that I did. Well….. I got busy and forgot to look for the books. Oops!
I slept later this morning than I usually do, which is RARE! My office is still a mess and I have not had the chance to look for the books. But… I promise to!
Last night, Hubs and I went to the concert that our nearby city has every Friday evening in the Spring and Fall. We met up with our long-time camping friends. This is something that we’ve done on and off for a few years now.
The band was good, but I just wasn’t in the mood to be there. I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t know if it’s depression, or what. Hubs and I left before it was over. I said that I had a headache, which I kinda’ did.
I did take some pictures ….
Journal Entry: Sunday – February 22, 2015
It’s pouring down rain this morning. In the past… rain would not keep me from going to church. These days, though…. not so much. But, we’ll see.
It’s weird. I don’t want to be around people anymore. I just want to be alone or with Hubs and/or my girls. That is just SO unlike me!! — Like I said yesterday …. I STILL feel this way! Why??? I’m not sure. All I can think of is that’s it’s depression.
Journal Entry: Monday – February 23, 2015
I have ANOTHER headache!! Yesterday, I didn’t. I really think that it’s sinus pressure, though. I’m so tired of it!
We did go to church yesterday and then I was lazy the rest of the day. The Daytona 500 was on. We watched a good bit of it.
Journal Entry: Wednesday – February 25, 2015
I didn’t write yesterday. I’m not sure why. I think my mind was just too preoccupied.
Today, I have to go back to the endocrinologist and have the blood test done to check my cortisol level. I have to fast this morning. Soo.. no coffee with creamer.
Journal Entry: Thursday – February 26, 2015
These morning headaches are getting old! I did read that they are symptom of this thyroid CRAP. I’m just so tired of it.
I went to my doctor’s appointment yesterday morning. They drew more blood, still checking my hormone levels and my thyroid. I now know HOW I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis. My TPO level was extremely high! It was 164! It is supposed to be between 0-34! YIKES!! There was another level that was too high, also. I can’t remember what it was, though.
As I’ve mentioned before… I love to read and educate myself on things that I know nothing about. And… ESPECIALLY when it has to do with my health!
I Googled TPO level so I could find something that explained what it is and I discovered a really good article regarding Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis.
But… here is the portion on the TPO level…. (Of course, it’s a lot of medical mumbo-jumbo that I don’t understand! Maybe you will, though!)
Thyroid autoantibodies: Presence of typically anti-TPO (anti-thyroid peroxidase) and anti-Tg (anti-thyroglobulin) antibodies delineates the cause of hypothyroidism as Hashimoto thyroiditis or its variant; however, 10-15% of patients with Hashimoto thyroiditis may be antibody negative.
This post is coming straight out of my journal for today —- May 14, 2017
Today is Mother’s Day. It is the first Mother’s Day that I don’t have a mom to wish “Happy Mother’s Day”, to. It’s a weird feeling. For 51 years… that’s what I did on Mother’s Day. I feel sad and empty inside.
Yesterday, I had an email notification that popped up on my locked phone screen that said, “Call your mom”. I immediately YELLED at my phone and said… “I CAN’T CALL MY MOM!!!”
I opened up my phone to see just WHO would send me this AWFUL email!!! It turned out to be from a site that I don’t even remember signing up to get emails from! Here’s what I saw when I opened up the email. I have not read the article. I can’t.
The tears started flowing BIG TIME and I couldn’t stop them. It’s been a while since I cried THAT hard! I miss my mom. I miss our conversations. (The good ones, at least.) I spent my whole life with her being a HUGE part of my life, through the good times and the bad.
Over the past few years, I have prayed to God for him to “heal” her in whatever way He wanted. Whether it was to heal her body, here on earth… Or, to heal her body by taking her home to be with him. Well.. He finally did. (In HIS time) He took her home to be with him this past September. I always said that I was ready for Him to take her home, but… now that she’s gone… I miss her so much!
My mom was the one and ONLY person that I KNEW loved me, no matter what! I was her only child and I was also her whole world.
This Mother’s Day is difficult for another reason, as well.
Unfortunately… I can’t share this part with you. I had planned to share it, but I can’t. I decided that it is just too personal.
All I can say is… If you can… CALL YOUR MOM TODAY!!!
There WILL come a day when you can’t, and it’s not fun. You WILL regret it someday, if you don’t. Trust me!
Don’t use social media or a text to tell her Happy Mother’s Day. —- CALL HER!!
Or better yet…. GO VISIT HER!!!!! There’s no need for gifts. All she wants to do is hear your voice, feel your love for her, or get a loving hug from you. (Not a one-armed hug, either!)
The BEST gift would be to tell her (and… not through social media or a text).…
I LOVE YOU, MOM!
To all of you that are mothers…. “Happy Mother’s Day”!
WOW! I am so thankful for all of the “likes” on my blog post from yesterday! Who knew that a list of all the junk going on in my little brain could be so interesting! I could actually add MORE to that list this morning, but I don’t want to keep going down that “bunny trail”. 😉
I am not sure if I mentioned in a previous post or not, that my mom recently passed away, last year on September 25th. —- writing this through tears now… so hang in there with me…. She had a stroke in November of 2005. (The 2nd worst day of my life. The first was when my daddy died.) She lived most of her last 11 years in a nursing home. (I SHOULD have written a blog during all that, but I wasn’t mentally in the right frame of mind for it, for most of those years anyway.)
Anyway…. I needed to explain all of that before I write this next blog post. I didn’t want you to be confused and think… “Okay. I think I missed something. What happened to her mom?”
By the way —- I have been told that I write like I talk … (which is a LOT!)… so, if I have your mind so confused as you read this, all I can say is… WELCOME TO MY WORLD!!
Journal Entry: Thursday – January 29, 2015.
I woke up with another headache this morning. I think it’s sinus pressure, but I had a bad dream just before I woke up. It could be because of that.
I dreamed that I was with my mom in an apartment and I had come home to find her yelling at me because I had left the back door open and we had been robbed! (Wow. This is weird! I haven’t read this blog post since I write it over two years ago and I can still see this dream, fresh in my mind! Dreams totally fascinate me. They always have!) They had taken my stash of cash that I had hidden, (Wish I had that stash now! I could use it.) my iPod and my big camera. They did not take my laptop or my iPad. My mom and I got into a HUGE argument! (This was not unusual. Through my teen years, my mom and I didn’t get along too well.)
I wonder if my mom was in my dream because she called me last night about 8:30, asking me about an upaid car repair bill that she said she never paid. I told her not to worry because that had been 10 years ago! I forgot to mention that my mom’s mind was “sharp as a tack” (as she would say), up until the day before she died.
More tears flowing…. hang in there with me.
I have no earthly idea what brought that to her mind! It was rather odd. I couldn’t finish my conversation with her because the aides were there in her room, waiting to put her to bed. I should go over there today, but I don’t want to. (Please don’t judge me for that.)
This morning, I have to be at the endocrinologist’s office at 8:00 to have blood work and the ultrasound done on my thyroid. I can’t eat anything. I’m trying to drink my coffee black, but… YUCK!!! I wish I had tomorrow off. I need a day at home.