It’s Memorial Day. This might be the first year in a long time that we had no plans what-so-ever. We usually are at the beach, or hanging out with friends and family somewhere. In the past…. I wouldn’t have been happy not having anything on our agenda. Now… I really don’t care.
It’s probably the depression and/or the hashi’s that makes me feel this way. I’m not sure.
I’ve been reading and exploring more about Hashimoto’s and I learn more each time I do. I’m finding it helpful to read other people’s journey’s with it. I also realized that there are many celebrities that have it. (I’m sure that they have personal trainers and LOTS of help to keep them skinny, tho!)
Here are a few links to some that I found yesterday.
I still have …. my family issues (I mentioned this in yesterday’s post. This is causing me a great deal of depression at the moment.) … Hubs being sick… trying to make money through my Poshmark store … learning to sell on eBay … and a dog that won’t stay out of the pool (yaaa… it’s cute, but it’s also a pain in the *#%*!
Life is definitely interesting!
Journal Entry: Wednesday – March 4, 2014
Yesterday started off better, but didn’t go so well later.
I was teaching a new client how to use one of the machines and I started feeling that hot “flushed” feeling that I’ve been getting. Then, my heart started “fluttering” or feeling weird. I went and took my BP and it was high… again!! 155/92!!!! HOLY MESS!!!!! What is going on with me???
I got myself settled back down and even decided to try and workout, but slowly. I was doing great and feeling fine and then the phone rang and I had to deal with a couple of things. And then… it happened AGAIN!! (feeling like I did earlier) I went and took my BP again and it was 138/86. Still high, but not as bad.
My schedule that day had me leaving work at 11:00 am. The phone rang again and it was a co-worker who was supposed to come in at 10:00, saying that she was sick and couldn’t find another co-worker to come in for her, so I had to stay until 1:00 pm until the NEXT co-worker was scheduled to arrive! UGH!! I wanted to go home so bad!
I talked to Hubs and he suggested that I try and get an earlier appointment with my Endocrinologist (sooner than next Thursday!). So, I called and they had an opening for tomorrow morning!! YAY!! Now, I have to get all of my notes and questions in order.
I continued to have heart palpitations on and off throughout the day, even after I got home. I even felt it when I went to bed last night! (Now, that I am re-reading this…. I bet this was caused by anxiety.)
I’m having a rough morning… again. Seems to be the “norm” here, lately. I want very much to share the reason with you, but it’s personal and I don’t think it should be shared publicly. I will say that it has to do with FAMILY.
Writing through the tears….
Yesterday, Hubs and I went to look at campers again. We are hoping to buy a 5th wheel sometime later this year. We have been looking on and off for months, trying to decide on the one that we can afford and that fits our needs and “likes”. If you aren’t sure what a 5th wheel is… here’s a picture. This is one that we looked at and liked. I love all the woodwork! The bedroom and bath aren’t pictured, but they are in the upper part of the camper.
After we got home yesterday, I was SOOOO TIRED! For whatever reason, all of my energy had vanished. My only guess is that I was having a “Hashi’s Day”.
I don’t want to go to church. I am too emotional. (We go to early church) It also has to do with the fact that I have become so antisocial. It has nothing to with anyone else. It’s just ME.
Well…. I just Googled “Hashimoto’s and feeling antisocial” and found an article… (might be a blog. I’m not sure)… written by a lady with Hashi’s. It was written in 2011, but that is irrelevant, because I TOTALLY RELATE TO IT!!! The only one big difference is that she doesn’t have the weight gain symptom, and I …. of course!! … do.
The title of the article is called … Hashimoto’s: Life as a Zombie (You can click to read the actual article… or keep reading below and read it with my added highlights)
The title is PERFECT! (Thankfully, I don’t always feel that way. But… I do often)
I think I’m going to copy and paste it into a WORD document and highlight the parts that I relate to, and attach that as well.
Still writing through the tears….
Here is the LINK to the article where I have highlighted parts of it.
Never mind. I can’t figure out how to attach a WORD document. UGH. Sooo…. I know it will make this blog post long… but I am going to copy and paste it here. Forgive me for not getting to my journal today. This is a definite “bunny trail”, but it is an informative one.
WordPress won’t let me highlight… so… the parts I relate to are in bold BLUE.
Hashimoto’s: Life as a Zombie
Two attempted suicides. One arrest for uttering threats of suicide. A week long sabbatical at the St. Micheal’s Hospital Psychiatric Ward. One discarded prescription for Prozac. Eight years of crippling anxiety attacks. One clinical diagnosis of bipolar disorder. 4, 380 hours of sleep per year. 8, 760 hours of immobilizing exhaustion. Unknown hours of missed work. Unknown number of memories unremembered. Unknown number of words, definitions and spellings, lost and forgotten. Unknown number of social functions unattended.Two failed relationships. Several failed friendships. Over 80 hours of Emergency room wait time per year. Unknown number of UTI’s, kidney infection’s and anaphylactic episodes. Unknown number of hours spent on the toilet. 300 dollars of antibiotics per year. Thousands of dollars of acupuncture, colonic treatments, vitamins and acne skin treatments. An unexaggerated million needle pricks. 20 gallons of blood drawn.One ultrasound. (I’ve had two, so far.) Unknown number of hours of absolute misery.
This was my life. Most days this continues to be my life, however, now I can say with absolute confidence that I am NOT crazy, I am NOT lazy, I am NOT complacent, I DO NOT have a mood disorder, I am NOT bipolar, I am NOT antisocial and I am NOT clinically depressed. I AM, however, one of the millions of people suffering from an autoimmune disease called Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis. Quite simply, my body is attacking itself, in specifically it is attacking and causing gradual destruction to my thyroid gland. The disease has such an expansive range of consequences on the mind and body it often gets camouflaged as many other physical and mental disorders. More than half of the people suffering from Hashimoto’s are either undiagnosed or misdiagnosed. My diagnosis took 8 years. I saw countless psychiatrists and MD’s. When hypothyroidism was suspected I was refused a referral to an Endocrinologist by two different doctors. I was prescribed countless medications and vitamins to treat constipation, depression, anxiety, memory loss, iron deficiencies, fatigue and sleep deprivation. I have developed alcoholic habits to subdue my symptoms. I have withdrawn from my friends, from my loves and my life. The disease has robbed me of time, memories, happiness and simple pleasures. It has taken my spirit and left an empty shell.
Perhaps the most difficult and challenging component to the disease is trying to convince the rest of the world it exists. Unless you are a fellow sufferer, Hashimotos is impossible to understand and very difficult to clarify.
For the most part my physical symptoms are undetectable to the public. For whatever reason I have been unaffected by one of the major physical symptoms of Hashimoto’s; weight gain. (I’m jealous!!) However, Hashimoto’s affects each sufferer individually.Physically I am afflicted by bowel issues, menstrual issues, extreme sensitivity to cold followed by hot flashes, frequent illness including kidney infections and throat infections, hoarse voice, numbness and tingling in fingers, difficulty swallowing, enlarged thyroid,low body temperature, coarse skin, acne, dry hair, brittle nails, muscle cramps, heart pain and extreme EXTREME fatigue. I can often sleep 12 hours or more and will wake feeling completely ragged. Some days I lackenoughenergy to bath myself, dress myself or even feed myself. However and having said that, I’d much rather contend with the aforementioned than the malady of my mind.
One of the affects of Hashimoto’s is parallel to that of aging. As you age, memory, concentration and the ability to process new information becomes challenging.(This is part of the reason I had to quit my bookkeeping job.) Hashimoto’s has made my mind forget.My long term and short term memory sometimes operates as poorly as an elderly with dementia. If I am asked to perform a task at work, 9 times out of 10, within seconds and steps on route to execute the task, I will forget what I was meant to be doing.I have forgotten the names of close friends and relatives. I have massive trenches of blankness when trying to recollect my past memories. Due to these bouts of forgetfulness I have disappointed and frustrated many friends, employers, co-workers, partners etc. I have been perceived as inconsiderate, uncaring and irresponsible. I have also shown symptoms of slowing cognitive processing. My mind frequently wanders without any clarity. I am unable to vocalize entire thoughts in an articulate and fluid fashion.I get stumped on words in mid sentence. I have forgotten meanings and spellings of words. Often it is difficult for me to understand or retain new information. I often feel dense and unintelligent. I also suffer from periods of extreme sadness and depression. I often withdraw from social activities, (YES!) I am deficient ofpassion and enthusiasm. It is often impossible to get happy, regardless of the pleasures in my life. I avoid friendships and most conversations. (I did this one in RED in hopes that if any of my friends read this, they will understand why.) Unfortunately I don’t have a blinking light on my forehead signally ‘Hashimotos’ and many of these symptoms can be easily judged as character inadequacies. Some may believe and judge me to be haughty, snobbish and/or peculiar. Some that have encountered me in certain moments may think I am slow or dimwitted.(I’m sure that this is what my boss saw in me.) Others may find me moody and irritable.
As an artist and vocalist I can’t imagine a more terrible set of circumstances. Hashimoto’s has stunted my creativity. It has made me indifferent as a performer. It has affected the quality and control of my voice. It has agitated my focus and moodsin rehearsals and creative sessions. My once fiery passion for music, imagination, creativity and originality has been smothered and snuffed out. HOWEVER, there is a small piece of the old me left within, kicking and screaming, and she intends to fight hard to kick this thing in the ASS. As part of that campaign I felt it was very important for me to ventilate my feelings and thoughts regarding my condition to the public and to fans. This is partially an exercise to help me articulate and organize my own thoughts about Hashimotos, however, I also want to reach out not only to fellow sufferers but also to those who may be undiagnosed. If any of the aforementioned symptoms sound familiar, I strongly encourage you to request that your doctor do a blood panel of your TSH levels, as well as your Antithyroid antibodies. PLEASE. Untreated Hashimoto’s can cause heart attack, coma, dementia, Alzheimer’s, clinical depression and a number of associated autoimmune disorders.
Restoring thyroid function by taking thyroid replacement does not necessarily make symptoms go away. In fact more times than not, Hashimoto’s sufferers continue to experience symptoms after medication is prescribed. Hashimoto’s is incurable and little is known about the rhymes and reasons of the disease. The disease can park you in a repetitive cycle of depression and fatigue which strongly prevents you from taking the necessary steps to help yourself and relieve your symptoms. However and though at times it feels like a life sentence, I genuinely believe that with a little push from within, the cycle can be broken and sound body/mind CAN be revived. I believe that by experimenting with proper diet, nutrition, supplements, practicing relaxation techniques and regular exercise in COLLABORATION with regular blood panels and dosage adjustments, my symptoms can be relieved. I am desperately hopeful. I am currently seeking many avenues of help from my MD, my Naturopath, my Endocrinologist, my Acupuncturist, as well as educating myself by speaking to fellow sufferers and studying applicable literature. I intend to track my progress and keep you posted on my findings. Though I realize what works for me may not work for others, however, perhaps it may and it’s worth sharing. I hope that by imparting my experiences, trials, failures and successes in achieving physical and mental restoration from Hashimoto’s I will help not only myself but many others who suffer worthlessly and worst, silently without compassion.
I PROMISE I will get back to this subject in later blogs. In the mean time, if you are a Hashimoto’s sufferer or believe you MAY be, please reach out to me. Sometimes a little comfort from an understanding supporter is enough to push our minds forward even when our bodies would rather wilt into the dirt.
I used to dread Monday’s. But, now that I am at home full-time… I don’t mind them one bit! I thank the Good Lord for allowing me to be able to stay home.
This weekend… I found a YouTube channel to watch about a couple that are full-time RV’ing (living full-time in a 5th wheel!) and traveling all over the country! I have not watched many episodes, but one of the first ones that they did …
The video’s are like a blog, but done with a video camera and put on YouTube for the world to see! They are called “Vlogs”. You may have already known that, but I am just now getting caught up with the YouTube world, and I’m loving it!
Back to the story…
One of the first ones they did was of them explaining WHY they decided to go to the full-time RV life. It was very interesting. But the one thing that caught my attention the most was that Kali is battling HASHIMOTO’S just like me!!!!!! She had to quit her full-time job as well, because she couldn’t function. (ME TOO!!!) Thankfully, Josh has a job where he can remotely work and this allows them to be able to live the lifestyle that they are now living. But…. WOW!!! It was so interesting to hear Kali talk about her Hashimoto’s! — Kali, I feel for you!
My plan is to continue to watch their videos, when I have the time. Hubs and I are hoping to get a 5th Wheel later this year. We aren’t planning on RV’ing full time, but we do hope to travel more. Who knows!! Maybe we’ll make a Vlog!! ….. Well, “I” might make one. Hubs might be “behind” the camera, and most likely won’t be in front of it! 🙂
Maybe Kali will somehow see that I tagged their video into my blog and contact me! I would love that!
Journal Entry: Friday – February 27, 2015
Yesterday was a rough day! I ended up going into deep depression and had an anxiety attack!! I cried all morning and then I got SO depressed that I started feeling sick!
After I calmed down a bit, I Googled… “Hashimoto’s and Depression” and the first article that I read described me to a “T”!!! This made my anxiety even worse!!
I texted Hubs to tell him and I think he got upset with me because he told me to “quit reading about Hashi’s!”. Well… I think my anxiety started because of my feeling SO OVERWHELMED with worry about myself, my girls AND Hubs! ALL of the things that we have going on are making me like this!
I did manage to get my house fairly clean before I went into the full on anxiety attack. But, the rest of the day… I was gone… mentally, that is.
I am back to not getting enough sleep, again. It also depresses me that I will most likely have to go on a Gluten-free diet. BLECH!!!! That will be extremely difficult for me.
I am glad that today is Friday and as much as I don’t want to go to work… I need to! If I stay at home, I will stay depressed. I need to get my mind off of everything.
Yesterday, I promised to show you the autoimmune disease books that I have and the quiz that I did. Well….. I got busy and forgot to look for the books. Oops!
I slept later this morning than I usually do, which is RARE! My office is still a mess and I have not had the chance to look for the books. But… I promise to!
Last night, Hubs and I went to the concert that our nearby city has every Friday evening in the Spring and Fall. We met up with our long-time camping friends. This is something that we’ve done on and off for a few years now.
The band was good, but I just wasn’t in the mood to be there. I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t know if it’s depression, or what. Hubs and I left before it was over. I said that I had a headache, which I kinda’ did.
I did take some pictures ….
Journal Entry: Sunday – February 22, 2015
It’s pouring down rain this morning. In the past… rain would not keep me from going to church. These days, though…. not so much. But, we’ll see.
It’s weird. I don’t want to be around people anymore. I just want to be alone or with Hubs and/or my girls. That is just SO unlike me!! — Like I said yesterday …. I STILL feel this way! Why??? I’m not sure. All I can think of is that’s it’s depression.
Journal Entry: Monday – February 23, 2015
I have ANOTHER headache!! Yesterday, I didn’t. I really think that it’s sinus pressure, though. I’m so tired of it!
We did go to church yesterday and then I was lazy the rest of the day. The Daytona 500 was on. We watched a good bit of it.
Journal Entry: Wednesday – February 25, 2015
I didn’t write yesterday. I’m not sure why. I think my mind was just too preoccupied.
Today, I have to go back to the endocrinologist and have the blood test done to check my cortisol level. I have to fast this morning. Soo.. no coffee with creamer.
Journal Entry: Thursday – February 26, 2015
These morning headaches are getting old! I did read that they are symptom of this thyroid CRAP. I’m just so tired of it.
I went to my doctor’s appointment yesterday morning. They drew more blood, still checking my hormone levels and my thyroid. I now know HOW I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis. My TPO level was extremely high! It was 164! It is supposed to be between 0-34! YIKES!! There was another level that was too high, also. I can’t remember what it was, though.
As I’ve mentioned before… I love to read and educate myself on things that I know nothing about. And… ESPECIALLY when it has to do with my health!
I Googled TPO level so I could find something that explained what it is and I discovered a really good article regarding Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis.
But… here is the portion on the TPO level…. (Of course, it’s a lot of medical mumbo-jumbo that I don’t understand! Maybe you will, though!)
Thyroid autoantibodies: Presence of typically anti-TPO (anti-thyroid peroxidase) and anti-Tg (anti-thyroglobulin) antibodies delineates the cause of hypothyroidism as Hashimoto thyroiditis or its variant; however, 10-15% of patients with Hashimoto thyroiditis may be antibody negative.
I was super busy the past two days, playing with my little Rosey! I just can’t get enough “Nana time”. It’s so much fun!
You’re not going to believe me…. but, I wasn’t ready to be a “Grandma” until I saw this sweet baby for the first time! Then… of course… it was totally, love at first sight and I was extremely proud to be “Nana” to this precious little angel!
I have always heard others say that being a grandparent is THE most awesome thing in the world. Well… it IS pretty awesome!
For me, though…. the most awesome thing in the world is seeing my beautiful daughter in the “mommy” role. She is SUCH a wonderful mommy! I could not be more proud of her!! The love I have for these two is indescribable.
There are things going on in my life right now that I am also very depressed about. Things that I wish I could share, but shouldn’t. The joy and love that I feel when I am with Ansley and Rosey, brings me to different kinds of tears… happy tears! I am so thankful for that.
Journal Entry: Friday – February 20, 2015
I had a dream last night that Hubs and I were with all of our friends, camping and hanging out. Hubs was having a good time and all I wanted to do was be by myself. I did not want to socialize. — It’s weird, because that is how I REALLY feel and it’s totally unlike me. I know that it’s one of the symptoms of HYPOTHYROIDISM, but how weird it is for me to dream about it. — This really IS weird! Two years ago, I was feeling this way and I STILL feel this way!! I’m much more happy content when I am by myself.
I went to bed last night with a headache. I’m wondering if sugar and/or gluten are the cause. If that IS the case… then I will have to change my diet! Ugh. — Over two years later, and I still haven’t totally given up the sugar and gluten. I keep trying, but I also keep failing.
Journal Entry: Saturday – February 21, 2015
I STILL have a headache!! I had a nagging one pretty much all day yesterday. It was SO annoying! I just wish I knew if it was sinus related or part of my Hashi’s.
Work was “okay”. I did not work out because of the headache.
After work, I went to the book store (I LOVE books!!!) and bought two more books. They are about Autoimmune Diseases. One book talks about reversing it “naturally”, and the other one is about “Living with an autoimmune disease”.
What scares me the most is that if have one autoimmune disease, then I am more likely to have another one, as well. (or more!!)
In one of the books, there is a quiz to take to see where you are on the spectrum of A.I. Disease. Such as: Mild, Moderate, or Severe. — WELL… I am WAY past severe according to the numbers!!!!! UGH!! This is SOOOOO SCARY!!
I have SO MUCH on my mind! Maybe that is why my head hurts.
I will have to locate the books that I mention above and find the quiz and post it either later today, or tomorrow. My office is a scattered mess at the moment with Rosey’s portable bed (that we keep here) and all of my Poshmark things. By the way…. I sold another item!! 🙂 YAY!!! And…. I have a friend that is interested in consigning a few items with me!! Wahooo!! I’m excited!!!
Well, here comes the blog post that I have been leading up to. My diagnoses.
Today, though…. I am in some pain. My lower right back hurts… AGAIN! I have had two urinary tract infections already this year!! I NEVER GET THESE!! What is up with it?? My mom used to get them a lot while she was in the nursing home, but… ya… I don’t get why I AM getting them so frequently! Soo… that’s one more thing to worry about. It isn’t right that I am getting them this often.
Journal Entry: Tuesday – February 10, 2015
I have ANOTHER headache! UGH. I’m sure it’s just sinus pressure, but it’s still not fun.
Today is my appointment with the Endocrinologist to get my tests results. I am a little freaked out about it, now that it’s here. But… I know no matter what… God’s got this! I guess I’m more anxious, than “worried”.
Journal Entry: Wednesday – February 11, 2015
No headache this morning, and I was sleeping SO GOOD!! I woke up at 5:00 and wanted to go back to sleep, but I had to get up. The heating and air people will be here this morning. (We had a new system put in)
My doctor’s appointment went okay yesterday. I have what is called HASHIMOTO’S THYROIDITIS. It is an autoimmune disease that attacks the thyroid.
The symptoms make sense. But they are also a LOT like Menopause symptoms.
(The information below is from WebMD.)
Symptoms of Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis
Hashimoto’s symptoms may be mild at first or take years to develop. The first sign of the disease is often an enlarged thyroid, called a goiter. The goiter may cause the front of your neck to look swollen. A large goiter may make swallowing difficult. Other symptoms of an underactive thyroid due to Hashimoto’s may include:
Menopause SymptomsIf menopausal symptoms occur, they may include hot flashes, night sweats, pain during intercourse, increased anxiety or irritability, and the need to urinate more often. — (Hmmm…… maybe THIS is why I’m having the “issue” that I’m having now.)
(And …. this is what I mean by the two being so similar!)
Is It Thyroid Disease or Menopause?Millions of women with menopausal-like symptoms, even those taking estrogen, may be suffering from undiagnosed thyroid disease. While symptoms such as fatigue, depression, mood swings, and sleep disturbances are frequently associated with menopause, they may also be signs of hypothyroidism.
My doctor said that he was unclear as to what is causing it to happen. I have to go back in 2 weeks for another blood test that they didn’t do the first time. This will check my cortisol hormone.
Thankfully, I didn’t have diabetes or hypoglycemia. I still need to figure out what is causing some of my symptoms, though…. like my elevated blood pressure and this tingling & burning feeling in my fingertips.
I need to switch family doctors. I need one that is more thorough.
My “Endo” (Endocrinologist) wants me to eat better and cut out sugar. I’ve been doing better with that, but I guess I need to do even BETTER. I also need to eat more complex carbs. – Blech!
Okay… so… think about it…
I have a combination of ALL the symptoms of both Hashi’s and Menopause!!
We have a big storm going on here this morning. Hopefully, I won’t lose power as I write this! I do love a good thunderstorm, though. But, just keep those tornadoes away!
I hung out with two of my friends yesterday. We went “thrifting”. That’s what we call going to thrift stores, looking for bargains. It’s a lot of fun!! Of course, right now, since I’m not making an income… I saw SO MANY things that I wanted to buy!! That’s the way it always goes, doesn’t it?
My goal was to look for things for my online Poshmark shop. I did find quite a few items at very good prices! I couldn’t resist paying $1.00 to $3.00 for clothing items that were PERFECT for resale! I also found a few other things to enhance the pictures that I take of my items. The next step is to get everything prepared to list.
Today’s blog post regarding my journal and health issues is going to be kind of random. There were a lot of things going on in my life in the first few months of 2015. A lot of “changes”. I look back at those and realize…. I must have been feeling a LOT of stress! And BIG TIME STRESS is one of the biggest triggers for Hashimoto’s!
Okay… I am about to go down another “bunny trail”. As I was searching for an article to link for you about Hashi’s and stress… I came across an article (and topic) that I’ve never read before. It actually made me say…. “Oh my gosh!!! Wow!”… out loud!
Check this out….
Imagine having all the symptoms of a major mental illness such as manic depression, paranoid schizophrenia, psychotic depression, or even a bipolar disorder. One day you wake up with overflowing physical energy, even feeling severely anxious, with a rapid heartbeat, profuse sweating, trembling hands, and diarrhea, and you can’t stop losing weight. Then soon enough, without warning, your energy plummets. You feel like a slug, are constipated, your hair starts falling out, you gain weight no matter how little you eat, and you are severely depressed. You may have difficulty swallowing, sound hoarse, and feel like you have swallowed something that wont go down. And then, suddenly, your old symptoms return, and you feel anxious, sweaty, trembling, and panicky. This cycle can repeat itself again and again.
THAT, my friend, TOTALLY explains how I’ve been feeling for the past….well… I’m not sure how long!! WOW!!
The title of the article is…
Is it Mental Illness or Hashimoto’s Disease?
MENTAL ILLNESS????? REALLY???
Click HERE if you would like to read the rest of the article. If you’re interested at all about Hashi’s… you NEED to read this! WOW!
I need to end this post for now. I have a MILLION things to do this morning! Well… maybe not a “million”. But… quite a lot.