Anxiety? Depression? Both?… IDK

I’m not sure… but, I think this thyroid medication (Armour Thyroid) that the doc has me on is making me WIDE AWAKE and feeling some anxiety. I needed more energy, BUT —— I need sleep, too!!

Feeling overwhelmed should not be in my vocabulary, right now. Why do I feel that way?? I DO have a lot on my mind. But, doesn’t everyone?? 

Let’s just see what all I have going on in this anxiety-filled brain of mine….

  • How to GROW my Poshmark business so that I can make a REAL profit with it.
  • How can I make it a REAL resale clothing business? Is it possible? Or just a dream?
  • I NEED to make some sort of income to pay my medical bills.
  • I WANT SO BADLY to make this work so that I don’t have to go out and get a job.
  • I’m having trouble getting myself organized with this business. I don’t know why.
  • My housework is getting neglected because I am working so hard on my business.
  • I am not getting the exercise that I need because I am constantly sitting.
  • I know I NEED to get back to the gym.
  • I have more doc appointments coming up and that means MORE BILLS!
  • Something is bothering Hubs and so… therefore… I can’t stop wondering what it is.
  • I want to ask… but, I’m scared to. It might be about ME! (been down that road)
  • My clothes don’t fit. I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!
  • I’m depressed and anxious …. all at the same time.
  • Mother’s Day is coming up. I’m dreading it.
  • My dog needs a bath and needs to be walked.
  • My cars need a bath
  • I SHOULD be cooking for Hubs each night. I hate to cook.
  • I NEED a pedicure really bad. Don’t want to spend the $$. Don’t HAVE the $$.
  • My back porch is a mess. I need to clean it.
  • My 35th High School Reunion is coming up. I want to go. Don’t have the $$.
  • My mom still needs a gravestone. I know that I need to do that. Just can’t.

Okay. I’ll stop there. That is enough.

I can’t see the screen through the tears, now.

I didn’t mean for this post to “go south”. Depression is not an easy thing to live with.

Approaching 50 (part 5)

Journal Entry: Tuesday – December 2, 2014

Hubs has decided to take me to Pensacola, Florida for my birthday. I really wanted to go to New Orleans, but for whatever reason… HE does not want to go. 

We plan to stay in downtown Pensacola the first night and then stay at the Margaritaville Hotel the next two nights! I pray that it’s fun. 


Journal Entry: Wednesday – December 3, 2014 In a MONTH… I have gained 8 pounds! 😦

What is up with this HUGE weight gain??!!! Something is NOT right! 

I woke up this morning with another headache. UGH! And…. my legs have been jerking like CRAZY!! Between this and the menopause stuff… it’s awful! I keep telling myself that I’ve GOT to do something about it! I guess I can try walking instead of riding my bike in the winter. It’s too bad that I don’t have a friend to walk with me in my neighborhood. 

Yesterday, I started trying to figure out what clothes to take on our trip this coming weekend. I got extremely frustrated! I look fat in EVERYTHING!! I just want to cry about it all. 

LORD, please help me to feel better and look better. I feel so old, frumpy and fat! 

I am STILL feeling this way about my clothes! And..… I weigh a LOT more than I did on this day, here!


Journal Entry: Thursday – December 4, 2014 – LOST 2 pounds!

My RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome) is INSANE this week! It’s the worst that it’s been in a LONG time! I couldn’t even sit through church last night because of it. Then, it bothered me when I got home. I woke up at 2:30 a.m. and now, I’m awake at 4:30 because I kept waking up! UGH!! I feel like for whatever reason… my body is so TENSE on the inside. I know muscle tension and anxiety does not help my RLS. The good news is that I lost a couple of pounds! 

I went to see my mom yesterday. I told her about my menopause issues. Of course… the first thing she asked me was… “You’re not pregnant, are you?”.  OMG!!! Really, mom?? That woman has worried about me getting pregnant my whole life! GEEEZZZZZ!! 

I feel so stressed and I don’t know why. I could really use a massage … but, I wonder if it would really help. Of course… now, I want to cry. I can’t wait until I can go to the doctor and get my hormone levels checked. I feel like my body is so out of control! 

I like this journal entry because it helps me to remember how awful I was feeling before I saw the doctor(s) in the following couple of months.

One more entry coming up below, of my “Approaching 50” category, then we’ll move on to my life and “The not-so-fun side of 50”.


Journal Entry: Friday – December 5, 2014 – Back up two pounds, again. 😦

I am still not feeling the greatest. I hope I can make it through the holidays and be able to get to the doctor at the first of the year. Of course… after the holidays, while eating and drinking all the wrong foods, isn’t the most ideal time to go. UGH!

The weather in Pensacola is supposed to be perfect! Saturday, the high will be 73! The lows will be in the 50’s and 60’s. I’m going to have to re-pack!

Hubs is going to get off work early, but I have to go to town to pick up our Kenny Chesney tickets. After we both get home this morning, we will leave.

We plan to go to dinner at Outback Steakhouse when we get down there. Then, we will go to the hotel and then we will go to the historic downtown area of Pensacola. There are lots of bars down there that we want to check out. It should be fun!

50-25
Hubs and I in front of our hotel in Pensacola, Florida. (My under-eye bags and neck wrinkles!! UGH!!)

 

Approaching 50 (part 1)

I decided to go back in my journals to a couple of months before I turned 50. This is a good starting place for me. As I blog, I may end up going even further back as I try to pinpoint where all my “issues” started.

I am leaving out some parts of my journal entries because they are just too personal.

cropped-img_04851.jpgJournal entry: Sunday – November 2, 2014

I am at my friend, Amy’s house in Forsyth, GA. I came here yesterday for a girl’s weekend. I thought there would be 6 friends, but only ended up being 4. We had fun, but it was too windy to build a fire in the fire pit, like we wanted to do. The wind made it frigid outside!

I have eaten way more than I should have! And I’ve got to get back to a strict eating and exercise plan!

My head hurts this morning. I’m sure it’s dehydration. I’ve got to get back to drinking my water!

Of course, I’m awake way before anyone else. I just made coffee and I’m cuddled up in my bed, here. I’m not sure what to do about leaving to go home. I want to leave as soon as the sun comes up, but… I don’t know if anyone else will be up then. I don’t want to be rude.

You can see here, that I KNEW I needed to eat better, exercise more and drink more water. I have said that a LOT over the past two years and I’m STILL saying it! Why is it SO hard to follow through with these things?? 

cropped-img_04851.jpgJournal entry: Wednesday – November 5, 2014 

My back was hurting really bad yesterday!

I’m going to try not to eat a lot! I want to get healthy. Maybe I will eat some fruit and eggs and maybe sausage.

Yes… I know that sausage isn’t good for me. But, it’s something that I really love! I was at least, buying turkey sausage. *wink

I woke up way too early this morning – 3:15! I couldn’t go back to sleep, so I just got up! My mind was racing!

I keep track of my weight in my journal, as well. I’m not going to share the number… but, on this day, it was at a number that I would LOVE to be back down to!! (even though I was still considered “obese” by the chart at the gym! I don’t THINK so!!

In future posts here… I still won’t name a number… but, I will let you know if I’m UP or DOWN

cropped-img_04851.jpgJournal Entry: Friday – November 7, 2014

 My back hurts this morning! I did not sleep well. Part of it is because Hubs is tossing and turning all night! He flung his arm at me at least 3 times! I also can’t sleep on my right shoulder, so I must turn to face him in the bed. NOT fun! If this keeps up, I will go sleep in the guest room! I’m sure Hubs will say that I’m snoring and keeping HIM awake. But, he wouldn’t hear me if HE was asleep!

I finally believe Hubs about my snoring now. I don’t think it’s bad, but I have noticed that I wake myself up sometimes with “noises”. (He snores sometimes, too!)

cropped-img_04851.jpgJournal Entry: Tuesday – November 11, 2014

 I’ve been waking up with a backache. I hope we don’t need a new mattress! I slept good until I woke up at 3:00am. I did manage to go back to sleep until 4:30.

I rode my bike. I did good. My wrist started hurting on the way back, so I only rode 8.7 miles, not 10. The hills got to me. It was 70 degrees. Perfect weather to ride!

I used to LOVE to ride my bike!! Sadly, I think it’s been a year now since I have ridden it.

I sprained my wrist a few weeks before this was written. Clumsy me tripped over the exercise mats at work! — Believe it or not… I used to work in a gym!

cropped-img_04851.jpgJournal Entry: Wednesday – November 12, 2014

 I slept like crap last night! I went to bed about 9:30 with a lot on my mind, but that wasn’t the problem! 1) I couldn’t get comfortable because my shoulder hurts. I’ve done something to it! I hate it! 2) It was like being in an oven when I went to bed! Hubs had the heater in there cranked up! 3) My legs started jerking as soon as I started finally going to sleep! Then, I kept waking up all night, off and on. UGH!

It’s been an up and down kind of day.

The down – I’ve been depressed & crying most of the day. I miss my girls. I miss them being little. Those days went by too fast. I want to go back to Quinn Ridge when they were little and I spent so much time with them! I cry, just thinking about it.

The up – I biked over 10 miles and did EVERY hill!

The down – I started thinking about pictures and it made me think of the picture “slides” from my childhood that I can’t find. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE!

I was diagnosed with Restless Leg Syndrome about 20 years ago, roughly. It has steadily gotten worse and worse as I age. I am now taking multi medications just to help my legs relax so that I can sleep. I have an appointment with a Neurologist on Wednesday. I am hoping that he can help me with it.