Restless Legs, Depression and most of all… GOD

Well, I think my thyroid levels might be leveling out because I am sleeping better at night. The downside (I guess) is that I am waking up later than I usually do and it’s throwing me off schedule! I function better with a routine, so I may have to revamp my “schedule”. But…. I suppose it’s a good thing.

I do find myself still getting very tired by mid afternoon. This is when I stop and relax. Unfortunately… when I do that, tho… my legs begin to jerk because of my Restless Leg Syndrome! So, then I have to take my first round of meds to calm my legs down so that I can sit still. The meds make me sleepy, so I usually take a nap. By 7 pm… I’m ready to go again!

I used to not have energy in the evening and would go to bed by 9 pm. Lately, tho… because my energy has been bouncing back, I am finding myself getting some things done and staying up until about 10 pm. That is SOOOOOO different for me!! I have not been able to do that in quite a while.

I have been using that time to get some paperwork done (inventory and research) for my business that I am trying so hard to get off the ground. So, it’s working out pretty good right now.


Journal Entry: Monday – March 2, 2015

Church 2005 - 1
My church 

Hubs and I went to church yesterday. I was afraid that I would be emotional through the whole service, but I did okay …. until communion!  (I used to cry almost every time we went to church! I “think” it was the depression, but I didn’t know it at the time. It was quite embarrassing! Taking communion STILL makes me cry! It’s very emotional for me.)

Mandy was in front of me and as I watched her take communion, I LOST IT!!! (Mandy had gotten the job as a flight attendant and would be leaving soon to go train in Atanta for a month and then be sent to who-knows-where, to live and work)

Lori…  (The wife of my pastor and also a pastor herself!)… was serving us and she saw that I was upset. She said the most beautiful thing to me… God loves you Becky and He loves Mandy even more than you do! He’ll take care of her.” THAT really helped me. (She knew all about Mandy’s new job)


The next few days in my journal … were quite scary, healthwise. I’ll continue writing more tomorrow.

My best friend, in Atlanta just texted me to tell me that her daddy passed away this morning. I burst out in tears when I read the text. I know all too well what it feels like to lose both of your parents. You feel VERY alone and you feel like an orphan. It’s an awful feeling.

 

Mother’s Day Tears and Fears

I had a pretty good Mother’s Day. I cried a lot a LOT, but I knew I would. I was not crying over just my mom not being here, but other family issues, as well. All I can do is pray that the situation gets better and forgiveness takes over. I know all to well how resentment and bitterness can ruin a relationship. It’s better to forgive and move on. Put the past behind and move forward.

Hubs and I took Levi down to the river walk near us since it was a beautiful morning. He doesn’t walk too well on a leash, but he’s still young. I took a lot of pics. I’ll share a few.

It was a perfect morning for a walk!

Back to the reason for this blog….


Journal Entry: Tuesday – February 3, 2015

Work was okay, yesterday. I used up all of my energy there, though. I was exhausted when I got home! I tried to take a nap without taking my meds (Medications for Restless Legs) but couldn’t, so I took my meds and then CRASHED! I was out for the rest of the afternoon. (When I worked at the gym, I only worked in the morning hours. So… I was probably trying to take a nap around 1 or 2:00 in the afternoon.)

Journal Entry: Friday – February 6, 2015

I can’t wait to get my results back from the Endocrinologist. I wish it were TODAY! I have to wait one more week! UGH. My finger tips feel like they are “burning”. It’s really bothering me. (I think I had felt this sensation before, when I went to my primary care doctor. It was a weird feeling. I don’t think I’ve had it happen since this time.)

Journal Entry: Saturday – February 7, 2015

I feel like CRAP, today! I have terrible stomach cramps. I’m not sure whats going on. I keep crying because I’m scared. I am so anxious to find out my results, but I am also SO SCARED! I wish my friend Dana was here. I need a friend. I am sitting here BAWLING!! (Dana – name changed – is my long-time friend that lives outside of Atlanta, where we used to live. I don’t see her as often as I “should”. I really need to work on that!)

The good news is that my doctor’s appointment got moved up to Tuesday at 3:00. So at least I don’t have to wait until Friday, now. 

I feel VERY OVERWHELMED!! My mind is going in at least 10 different directions! (There was a LOT going on in my life at that time. I was terribly stressed, and really didn’t even know it.)

Lord, please give me peace and calmness. 

First Endocrinologist Appointment

Our weekend was good. We were camping with some long time friends. We have a wonderful State Park not far from where we live and it’s the perfect place to just get away for a weekend.

Friday, it was cold chilly and damp. It rained lightly on and off all day. Saturday, the weather was MUCH nicer! Sunny and warmer!

Even on the chilly, damp day… the woods were so beautiful!

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Anyway… back to that blog post that I tried to write before I left the other day. It won’t be exactly the same, but close enough!


 

Journal Entry: Thursday – January 22, 2015

I woke up this morning about 4:30 with my legs jerking! So, I’m sure I’ll be tired later. I am anxious to go to the doctor tomorrow about my thyroid.

Journal Entry: Friday – January 23, 2015

I worked this morning and “lightly” worked out. I felt like my heart was racing and I felt “flushed”. I stopped and took my blood pressure. It was WAY high again! Thankfully, I have my appointment with the endocrinologist today. I pray that he will give me some answers. Thankfully, Hubs is going with me. 

Journal Entry: Saturday – January 24, 2015

This is how my endocrinologist appointment went yesterday —

I REALLY liked the doctor. He was VERY thorough. They saw me almost immediately, which was great! I was taken back by a woman that had me get on that evil scale! Then, she took me to another room and asked me a whole LOT of questions about my health history and about my parents health history. She also took my blood pressure, and … again… it was EXTREMELY HIGH!! 147/101!!! SOOOOO Scary!! 

She then, took us into another room where we waited for the doctor. He came in and asked me even MORE questions. (Like I said… he was VERY thorough!) He felt of my neck and said that my thyroid felt slightly enlarged. He also talked to me about my diet, alcohol intake, and my sleep. He wants me to change all of that. He doesn’t feel like I’m getting enough sleep and I am not eating at the right time since I get up so early. That makes sense, of course. 

I go back next week to have blood work done and to have an ultrasound of my thyroid. Then, I go back on February 13th for my follow up appointment. 

He is checking my thyroid levels and my estrogen levels. He thinks that I may have HYPOTHYROIDISM and/or my estrogen is low. (This is what I wanted my regular doctor to check for in the first place and she said that it couldn’t be done!)

I can’t wait to get answers and start feeling better!! 

Trying to Figure It All Out

It’s Sunday and I normally used to go church every Sunday. Here lately… I have no interest. It’s not that I no longer believe in God or that I don’t want to worship him, it’s just…… well… I’m not even sure what it is!

There is no one to blame but myself. I’ve disconnected myself and I’m not sure why.

I’m am literally sitting here trying to figure it out and I can’t. I just don’t want to go.

Maybe it’s because I’ve gained so much weight and I feel so self-conscience. Or… maybe it’s this disease. Somewhere, I read that one of the symptoms is that it causes you to not enjoy things that you used to. (I’ve looked for an article about it, but can’t locate one at this moment.)

Anyway….. It’s almost time for me to start getting ready to go and I just don’t want to.


Journal Entry: Wednesday – January 14, 2015

Monday was a good day at work. I worked out and did Zumba. I can tell that I am so out of shape. I weighed and measured for the first time in forever. It was NOT good! I weighed more than I ever have in my history of working at Curves! My inches were up, too! My blood pressure was high, as well. I have a feeling that it has to do with my thyroid. 

Yesterday, I felt extremely bloated and uncomfortable. I didn’t work out at all. All I wanted to do was go home. I went to Barnes & Noble (book store) after work to look for books on hypothyroid. I ended up buying two. (I LOVE BOOKS!) 

I came home and immediately started reading one of them. But, I started getting sleepy — which is one of the symptoms of hypothyroidism. As soon as I started falling asleep… my stupid leg started jerking!! UGH!! Soooo….. I had to take my leg medicine, which made me even more sleepy! I was a sleepy “zombie” for the rest of the day and evening. I went to bed at 8:00 and slept until 5:00 this morning! I slept really well. I hope that I am caught up enough that I won’t be so tired today. 

I “think” I am starting to feel the effects of this anti-depressant medication that my doctor put me on. I feel “weird”, like I have no emotion. But… it “could” be the depression. I have no idea. At least I’m not bawling my eyes out like I was! 

Today, I go see Katie (my hairdresser) to get my hair done. I want to go see my mom, too. I want to ask her about her history with her thyroid. She had hers removed years ago, but I don’t remember why. 


Alright… I guess I’ll go take a shower and try to get myself motivated to go to church.

I apologize for no pictures with this post. I would like to find a picture of my church and share it with you.

Oh… and I left out “links” in this post, as well. Oops!! I got in a hurry!! 

Approaching 50 (part 5)

Journal Entry: Tuesday – December 2, 2014

Hubs has decided to take me to Pensacola, Florida for my birthday. I really wanted to go to New Orleans, but for whatever reason… HE does not want to go. 

We plan to stay in downtown Pensacola the first night and then stay at the Margaritaville Hotel the next two nights! I pray that it’s fun. 


Journal Entry: Wednesday – December 3, 2014 In a MONTH… I have gained 8 pounds! 😦

What is up with this HUGE weight gain??!!! Something is NOT right! 

I woke up this morning with another headache. UGH! And…. my legs have been jerking like CRAZY!! Between this and the menopause stuff… it’s awful! I keep telling myself that I’ve GOT to do something about it! I guess I can try walking instead of riding my bike in the winter. It’s too bad that I don’t have a friend to walk with me in my neighborhood. 

Yesterday, I started trying to figure out what clothes to take on our trip this coming weekend. I got extremely frustrated! I look fat in EVERYTHING!! I just want to cry about it all. 

LORD, please help me to feel better and look better. I feel so old, frumpy and fat! 

I am STILL feeling this way about my clothes! And..… I weigh a LOT more than I did on this day, here!


Journal Entry: Thursday – December 4, 2014 – LOST 2 pounds!

My RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome) is INSANE this week! It’s the worst that it’s been in a LONG time! I couldn’t even sit through church last night because of it. Then, it bothered me when I got home. I woke up at 2:30 a.m. and now, I’m awake at 4:30 because I kept waking up! UGH!! I feel like for whatever reason… my body is so TENSE on the inside. I know muscle tension and anxiety does not help my RLS. The good news is that I lost a couple of pounds! 

I went to see my mom yesterday. I told her about my menopause issues. Of course… the first thing she asked me was… “You’re not pregnant, are you?”.  OMG!!! Really, mom?? That woman has worried about me getting pregnant my whole life! GEEEZZZZZ!! 

I feel so stressed and I don’t know why. I could really use a massage … but, I wonder if it would really help. Of course… now, I want to cry. I can’t wait until I can go to the doctor and get my hormone levels checked. I feel like my body is so out of control! 

I like this journal entry because it helps me to remember how awful I was feeling before I saw the doctor(s) in the following couple of months.

One more entry coming up below, of my “Approaching 50” category, then we’ll move on to my life and “The not-so-fun side of 50”.


Journal Entry: Friday – December 5, 2014 – Back up two pounds, again. 😦

I am still not feeling the greatest. I hope I can make it through the holidays and be able to get to the doctor at the first of the year. Of course… after the holidays, while eating and drinking all the wrong foods, isn’t the most ideal time to go. UGH!

The weather in Pensacola is supposed to be perfect! Saturday, the high will be 73! The lows will be in the 50’s and 60’s. I’m going to have to re-pack!

Hubs is going to get off work early, but I have to go to town to pick up our Kenny Chesney tickets. After we both get home this morning, we will leave.

We plan to go to dinner at Outback Steakhouse when we get down there. Then, we will go to the hotel and then we will go to the historic downtown area of Pensacola. There are lots of bars down there that we want to check out. It should be fun!

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Hubs and I in front of our hotel in Pensacola, Florida. (My under-eye bags and neck wrinkles!! UGH!!)

 

Approaching 50 (part 1)

I decided to go back in my journals to a couple of months before I turned 50. This is a good starting place for me. As I blog, I may end up going even further back as I try to pinpoint where all my “issues” started.

I am leaving out some parts of my journal entries because they are just too personal.

cropped-img_04851.jpgJournal entry: Sunday – November 2, 2014

I am at my friend, Amy’s house in Forsyth, GA. I came here yesterday for a girl’s weekend. I thought there would be 6 friends, but only ended up being 4. We had fun, but it was too windy to build a fire in the fire pit, like we wanted to do. The wind made it frigid outside!

I have eaten way more than I should have! And I’ve got to get back to a strict eating and exercise plan!

My head hurts this morning. I’m sure it’s dehydration. I’ve got to get back to drinking my water!

Of course, I’m awake way before anyone else. I just made coffee and I’m cuddled up in my bed, here. I’m not sure what to do about leaving to go home. I want to leave as soon as the sun comes up, but… I don’t know if anyone else will be up then. I don’t want to be rude.

You can see here, that I KNEW I needed to eat better, exercise more and drink more water. I have said that a LOT over the past two years and I’m STILL saying it! Why is it SO hard to follow through with these things?? 

cropped-img_04851.jpgJournal entry: Wednesday – November 5, 2014 

My back was hurting really bad yesterday!

I’m going to try not to eat a lot! I want to get healthy. Maybe I will eat some fruit and eggs and maybe sausage.

Yes… I know that sausage isn’t good for me. But, it’s something that I really love! I was at least, buying turkey sausage. *wink

I woke up way too early this morning – 3:15! I couldn’t go back to sleep, so I just got up! My mind was racing!

I keep track of my weight in my journal, as well. I’m not going to share the number… but, on this day, it was at a number that I would LOVE to be back down to!! (even though I was still considered “obese” by the chart at the gym! I don’t THINK so!!

In future posts here… I still won’t name a number… but, I will let you know if I’m UP or DOWN

cropped-img_04851.jpgJournal Entry: Friday – November 7, 2014

 My back hurts this morning! I did not sleep well. Part of it is because Hubs is tossing and turning all night! He flung his arm at me at least 3 times! I also can’t sleep on my right shoulder, so I must turn to face him in the bed. NOT fun! If this keeps up, I will go sleep in the guest room! I’m sure Hubs will say that I’m snoring and keeping HIM awake. But, he wouldn’t hear me if HE was asleep!

I finally believe Hubs about my snoring now. I don’t think it’s bad, but I have noticed that I wake myself up sometimes with “noises”. (He snores sometimes, too!)

cropped-img_04851.jpgJournal Entry: Tuesday – November 11, 2014

 I’ve been waking up with a backache. I hope we don’t need a new mattress! I slept good until I woke up at 3:00am. I did manage to go back to sleep until 4:30.

I rode my bike. I did good. My wrist started hurting on the way back, so I only rode 8.7 miles, not 10. The hills got to me. It was 70 degrees. Perfect weather to ride!

I used to LOVE to ride my bike!! Sadly, I think it’s been a year now since I have ridden it.

I sprained my wrist a few weeks before this was written. Clumsy me tripped over the exercise mats at work! — Believe it or not… I used to work in a gym!

cropped-img_04851.jpgJournal Entry: Wednesday – November 12, 2014

 I slept like crap last night! I went to bed about 9:30 with a lot on my mind, but that wasn’t the problem! 1) I couldn’t get comfortable because my shoulder hurts. I’ve done something to it! I hate it! 2) It was like being in an oven when I went to bed! Hubs had the heater in there cranked up! 3) My legs started jerking as soon as I started finally going to sleep! Then, I kept waking up all night, off and on. UGH!

It’s been an up and down kind of day.

The down – I’ve been depressed & crying most of the day. I miss my girls. I miss them being little. Those days went by too fast. I want to go back to Quinn Ridge when they were little and I spent so much time with them! I cry, just thinking about it.

The up – I biked over 10 miles and did EVERY hill!

The down – I started thinking about pictures and it made me think of the picture “slides” from my childhood that I can’t find. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE!

I was diagnosed with Restless Leg Syndrome about 20 years ago, roughly. It has steadily gotten worse and worse as I age. I am now taking multi medications just to help my legs relax so that I can sleep. I have an appointment with a Neurologist on Wednesday. I am hoping that he can help me with it.