Trying to Figure It All Out

It’s Sunday and I normally used to go church every Sunday. Here lately… I have no interest. It’s not that I no longer believe in God or that I don’t want to worship him, it’s just…… well… I’m not even sure what it is!

There is no one to blame but myself. I’ve disconnected myself and I’m not sure why.

I’m am literally sitting here trying to figure it out and I can’t. I just don’t want to go.

Maybe it’s because I’ve gained so much weight and I feel so self-conscience. Or… maybe it’s this disease. Somewhere, I read that one of the symptoms is that it causes you to not enjoy things that you used to. (I’ve looked for an article about it, but can’t locate one at this moment.)

Anyway….. It’s almost time for me to start getting ready to go and I just don’t want to.

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Journal Entry: Wednesday – January 14, 2015

Monday was a good day at work. I worked out and did Zumba. I can tell that I am so out of shape. I weighed and measured for the first time in forever. It was NOT good! I weighed more than I ever have in my history of working at Curves! My inches were up, too! My blood pressure was high, as well. I have a feeling that it has to do with my thyroid. 

Yesterday, I felt extremely bloated and uncomfortable. I didn’t work out at all. All I wanted to do was go home. I went to Barnes & Noble (book store) after work to look for books on hypothyroid. I ended up buying two. (I LOVE BOOKS!) 

I came home and immediately started reading one of them. But, I started getting sleepy — which is one of the symptoms of hypothyroidism. As soon as I started falling asleep… my stupid leg started jerking!! UGH!! Soooo….. I had to take my leg medicine, which made me even more sleepy! I was a sleepy “zombie” for the rest of the day and evening. I went to bed at 8:00 and slept until 5:00 this morning! I slept really well. I hope that I am caught up enough that I won’t be so tired today. 

I “think” I am starting to feel the effects of this anti-depressant medication that my doctor put me on. I feel “weird”, like I have no emotion. But… it “could” be the depression. I have no idea. At least I’m not bawling my eyes out like I was! 

Today, I go see Katie (my hairdresser) to get my hair done. I want to go see my mom, too. I want to ask her about her history with her thyroid. She had hers removed years ago, but I don’t remember why. 

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Alright… I guess I’ll go take a shower and try to get myself motivated to go to church.

I apologize for no pictures with this post. I would like to find a picture of my church and share it with you.

Oh… and I left out “links” in this post, as well. Oops!! I got in a hurry!! 

Hypo or Hyper??

The past two days were fun, playing “Nana” and enjoying time with my sweet, Rosey. She is trying to walk now and kept us VERY busy!

Back to my reason to blog…

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Journal Entry: Saturday – January 10, 2015

Well… I got my test results back from my doctor and I now know what may be causing all of my problems! — MY THYROID!! 

This was the beginning of aaaaallll the health problems that I have been having over the past two years.

I’m not sure if it’s “under active” or “overactive”. My levels are slightly high. I have more symptoms of an “under active” thyroid, but I do have symptoms for both. Soooo…. I have to go back in April to have my levels re-checked. (REALLY??? APRIL?? I have to wait THAT long??)

I “Googled” by HYPOthyroidism and HYPERthyroidism, just to have a better understanding of it all. 

For HYPOthyroidism… the symptoms that I am having are: 

• Fatigue and sluggishness (tired a LOT)
• Constipation
• Pale, dry skin
• A puffy face
• Dry, brittle hair
• Unexplained weight gain
• Muscle aches and tenderness
• Joint pain and stiffness
• Muscle weakness
• Excessive menstrual bleeding 
  • (I had this problem corrected by having a thermal ablasion and a DNC)
• Depression
• Memory lapses

For HYPERthyroidism… the symptoms that I am having are: 

• A pounding heart
• Trouble sleeping
• Muscle weakness
• Nervousness or irritability

I didn’t write this in my journal, but I remember thinking that I really wanted more answers regarding these issues with my thyroid. I was totally in the dark about it all and had NO CLUE what the thyroid even did!

I know that Wikipedia isn’t supposed to be the best source for information… but, personally… I like it. I refer to it a lot when I just want to know some general information. The thyroid controls a LOT in your body!! It’s very complex. It’s it’s not functioning right… then, YOU won’t be functioning right!

Here is a graphic that I found that  explains what all the thyroid controls in our bodies.

Photo credit here.

This REALLY explains a lot! I can actually list problems that I am having.. (or have had).. in EACH of these body parts! WOW!

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POSHMARK plug 🙂 —- www.poshmark.com/closet/ashmirmom

Spending Time with Rosey

Hello my friends! 

My daughter and granddaughter came yesterday for a two day visit and I’m not sure that I will get a full blog post in! Hope you will understand. 

They have recently moved to Florida, to the beach!! (Lucky duckies!!) My son-n-law took a fabulous job down there, but it means that I probably won’t see them as often. 

But…. on the other hand… it gives hubs and I an excuse to make the 4 hour trip to the beach, more often!!! 😊

My little Rosey is just starting to try to walk, so she is keeping us VERY busy!! She can crawl really good, but she’s not interested in that anymore. She wants to pull up on the furniture and WALK!!! But…. she’s not quite ready yet and my floors are hardwood. Falls are not something we want for her, of course!

Thank you for your patience while I enjoy my precious little visitor…. and her mama. 😊

I almost forgot to mention…. 

I have an early morning appointment with my endocrinologist to get the results back from the lab work that I had done a couple of weeks ago. He may do an ultrasound on my thyroid, too. I’ll let you know how that goes! 

Cherished Moments

Yesterday was a good day! I am SO excited about my new online shop! I went to Goodwill and had fun sifting through the racks and racks of clothes, looking for top name brands that were on sale and were in excellent or very good condition.

We have many Goodwill stores here in town, but I chose the largest one. I knew that I would not get through the whole store, so I concentrated just on shorts and tops. It was a lot of fun because I got to look at clothes that weren’t just in my size! With this business, I can actually LOOK AT and PURCHASE tiny size 2’s and 4’s, that I would never be able to wear!

I have washed what I could. I realized after I got home that one top is “Dry Clean Only”. Oops! That was a lesson for my future inventory shopping. A couple of others said, “Hand Wash”. I don’t like to do that, but I will.

Next, I will iron them and get them ready to be listed. My plan is to list from my own closet, as well. But, I also wanted to have some fun and purchase some more “top of the line” name brands that I, personally, don’t have in my own closet! Plus…. it gave me an excuse to shop! Shopping makes me happy! 🙂

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Journal Entry: Thursday – January 8, 2015

Yesterday, was a pretty good day. I did some errands in town and then headed to the other side of the river, in Alabama, to go visit my mom. 

My mom lived in a nursing home at this time, due to a stroke that she had in November of 2005. When she was there, I made weekly visits to go see her and handle her needs.

Before I headed over there, I realized that it was about lunch time and I knew that she would be in the dining room, eating lunch. The dining room at that place was SO crowded and was not very visitor friendly! I always tried to avoid going at that time. 

I remembered that I had a gift card for Subway, so I stopped in there to have lunch and kill time and then, headed to see my mom. By this time, my mom was back in her room. We had a nice visit. (Not all of them, were!) 

One of the things that I was thankful for, with my mom, was that her long-term memory was SO GOOD! I loved to just sit and talk with her about the past. I loved hearing stories of her childhood and teen years. Stories of her and my daddy before I was born. And stories of when I was little. I tried to write down as much as I could when she would share something with me that I had never heard before. Today, was one of those days!

We got on the subject of my daddy. I found out WHERE they got engaged! That was something that I never knew. 

My daddy had the ring in his pocket and had planned to ask my mom to marry him, but couldn’t decide when the right time would be. Apparently, they were driving down this one road …. which is a MAJOR road now!… heading to my mom’s house, where she lived with my grandparents. 

My mom said that they were just driving along, heading to her house, when my dad pulled the car off to the side of the road at an intersection. She said, “What are we stopping for?” He then, pulled out the ring and gave it to her, right there on the side of the road, in the car!! She said that he never really “asked” her to marry him. (This is funny, because Hubs never really “asked” me, either!) 

Apparently… my grandfather was NOT too happy that my daddy didn’t ask his permission first! (I think my mom pointed this out to my dad!) So, now he had to go to my mom’s house and get up the nerve to actually “ask” my grandfather if he could marry her.

This warmed my heart so much (and still does!) because I now live in the same city where all this took place. That intersection is nowhere near the same because of all the growth the city has done, but “I” know EXACTLY where my parents became engaged, and I think about it every time I pass by there! 

My mom also told me about how her daddy would flag down the train in the little town that they lived in (the same one that I now live in!), so that my mom and her friends could catch it to ride it into the city. The train was called the “Man of War”. It went from Atlanta to Columbus, and then back again. 

I absolutely LOVE family history stuff!! I sure hope my girls are interested in it, later in their lives. 

I wish I had kept a journal during all the years that they were little. Of course… I do have a whole lot of scrapbooks that I made. Thankfully, we have videos from when they were little, as well. 

 

This is a laminated copy of my mom & dad’s newspaper announcement. – June 1954

The Beginning of Many Doctor Visits

I’m excited about my new business adventure!! I was hoping that I could add a widget for it, but I can’t do it unless I upgrade. 😦  I probably should do that. I’m just not ready to do that just yet.

But… I WILL tell you about it and maybe I can add the link into my posts. 🙂

I have discovered POSHMARK!! (You can read about it by clicking this link) It’s like having your own virtual boutique! I’m still working on getting mine set up the way that I want it, but here’s the link to MY store (or “closet”, as they call it). I LOVE clothes!!!! So, I am really going to enjoy this! I am praying that I can make it work and be able to run it like a business. It will be the perfect thing for me since I don’t feel like I can physically or mentally work out in the real world for employment.  If I want to…. I can sit right here in my PJ’s and work! Ya gotta’ love that!! 🙂

If you visit my closet and see something that you are interested in… leave me a comment that you read about it here, on my blog, and I’ll make you a deal on the item that you are interested in!

Anyway…. that’s enough for my little “Plug” on my Poshmark closet! 🙂

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Journal Entry: Monday – January 5, 2015

Yesterday turned out to be a good day. It was pouring rain by the time it was time to leave for church, so I crawled back into my bed! LOL! Then… Hubs did the same thing! We laid there pretty much all day, watching movies. 

We watched the movie … “Crash”. It was REALLY good, in my opinion. It’s all about the racial tension among ALL races. It’s so sad that our country is STILL that way! I don’t see people by “color”. I don’t know why some still do.

Today…. I work 6:30-11, which will be my schedule all month.

I have a doctor’s appointment at 11:15. I’ve got LOTS of questions for her!!! 

I woke up with a headache. I’m sure that it’s from the barometric pressure dropping outside. It’s going to get colder and colder as the week goes on. BRRRRR!!! 

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Journal Entry: Tuesday – January 6, 2015

I’ve got another headache this morning!! UGH! I was sleeping SO good when that stupid alarm went off, too! Of course, I stayed up until 10:00 watching “The Bachelor”. I normally get 6-7 hours of sleep. I only got 6 last night. (Now a’days…. I’m lucky if I get 5 hours of sleep!!)

I went to my doctor’s appointment yesterday. I had blood work done, but don’t know the results of it yet. (I hate waiting!) My doctor said that until I quit having a monthly cycle all together… they can’t really check my hormone levels. It makes sense… but…. DANG IT!!! We did talk about my symptoms and she said that I “could” go on a low dose of anti-depressant medication to help combat that. Sooooo….. I guess…. if it would help me to feel better, I guess I will try it. 

Some of the symptoms that I was having were…. 

• Hot flashes
• Worse premenstrual syndrom
• Fatigue (aka: exhaustion!)
• Irregular period
• Mood swings
• Trouble sleeping
• Low energy

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I am skipping some of the things in my journal entries because they are just boring stuff. Nothing that is interesting. Plus… I am trying to center this blog around my health problems.  Tomorrow’s post has nothing to do with my health, but it’s a sweet journal entry. One that I will treasure, always.

New Years Depression

I’m feeling pretty good today. I did NOT feel well yesterday morning! I woke up with a horrible headache and felt nauseous. I finally DID get sick. I’m not sure what was going on. I just rested the rest of the day and spent time researching a new idea that I have for making money and being able to stay home! I’m pretty excited about it!! Once I get it up and running real good, I’ll share it here! 🙂

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Journal Entry: Thursday – January 1, 2015

Photo Credit: Warren Photographic

Happy New Year! I hope your New Year’s Eve was more exciting than mine was. I went to bed early and alone because Hubs fell asleep in the living room. I was still awake when he finally came to bed,  but he was was pretty much still asleep. I couldn’t sleep. The fireworks behind my house, at the house behind us (through the woods and across the lake) started going off about 10:00 p.m. I could see them from my bedroom window. They were BIG! I opened the blind and could see them from my bed. They continued to go off until midnight. Twice, I heard something like a big cannon go off! It was super loud and shook my whole house! I’m not sure what that was. Hubs slept through it all, of course.

I have no plans for today. Just to watch the Rose Bowl Parade and football. Next Saturday, I hope to go up towards Atlanta and meet up with my friend, Deanna. I need a friend to talk to and cry with. I’ve been so depressed. 

I made an appointment with my doctor for Monday. I’ve got a LOT that I want to talk to her about!

I’ve got to get involved in some things this year. I can’t spend 90% of my time at home, by myself. I hate this lonely feeling that I have. I can’t even look at Facebook! So many people showing how they had a such a wonderful time last night, bringing in the new year. It just depresses me even more!

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Journal Entry: Friday – January 2, 2015

Well…. My New Years day SUCKED!!! I was in a depressed mood all day and fighting back tears. (There are reasons for this, but they are very personal and I am not willing to share them here, at this time.)

Maybe I need to be on some type of medication that will calm my hormones down! I’m going to the doctor on Monday. I guess that’s one thing that I could ask her about. I just don’t want hormone replacement drugs! I’ve heard nothing but bad things about them.

I NEED to focus on myself and not so much on Hubs. I need to work on all of my faults and get myself back on the healthy wagon! The one that likes to exercise and eat right and has lots of energy!

Feeling Sick and Closing Out December

I’m not writing much today. My mind is on so many other things and I can’t focus on my writing. I’m working on a way to make money from home. I just don’t feel like I can handle a job working somewhere else or FOR anyone else. I never know how I’m going to feel. For instance… I felt GREAT Saturday! Yesterday, I was just tired. And today… I feel like I could be sick. NOT a fun feeling! I didn’t sleep well last night, either. I’m not sure what’s going on.

Back to my journal — As the year ended… I was feeling more and more miserable and couldn’t wait to go see my doctor at the beginning of the year. I knew something just wasn’t right.

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Journal Entry: Saturday – December 27, 2014

I don’t even want to set foot on the scales! But… I have to get back to eating right and exercising. It’s a MUST DO! My #1 priority after the new year is to lose weight. I’ve gotta’ keep that focus. 

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Journal Entry: Monday – December 29, 2014

Yesterday, Hubs and I were lazy and SO TIRED! (We had a Christmas / New Years Party the night before.) Our party was a lot of fun! But… I looked at the pictures of myself that one of my friends posted on Facebook …. and OH MY! I looked SO BAD!! It was so depressing. I’ve GOT to eat better and get my energy level back! I’ve got to get serious again.

At work, we are gearing up for the “Biggest Loser Contest” that is coming up in mid January. It last for 3 months. I hope I can do well with it. Last year, I lost 9 pounds during it. 

I did work out today and I did some Zumba. One lady told me that I didn’t look happy, today. I wonder if she could see how stressed and upset I am about my weight. I’ve gotta’ get back to it!!! 

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Christmas Depression

For a few years, I was a TOTAL Scrooge when it came to Christmas. I guess a lot of it had to do with being a new “empty nester”. I’m not sure.

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Journal Entry: Wednesday – December 17, 2014

Today, I guess I will go see my mom. I also need to figure out what else that I am doing for Christmas presents. And… I have to get a wedding gift and a baby gift for two sweet young friends. I’m ready for the holidays to be over with! BAH-HUMBUG!! 

Photo Credit: www.readbrighly.com

I know one thing for sure. I’ll be balling my eyes out at the Christmas Eve service!! This will be the first time that both of my girls will not be there. 

I talked to Ansley and she has invited us out to Ben’s grandmother’s house for Christmas Day. That is… IF Mandy is not going to be here. We aren’t sure what she’s doing for Christmas yet. I know Hubs is NOT going to want to go to Ben’s family’s house on Christmas Day! I’m not sure that I want to either. If we don’t go, and Mandy DOES go to North Carolina … then, Ben and Ansley won’t come to our house until later in the afternoon on Christmas Day. Either way… Christmas will NEVER be the same EVER again! 

Part of me thinks that it would be fun to be part of a big family get-together on Christmas Day. But… they are not MY family. But… I can’t help but wonder if this is God’s way of blessing me with the big family that I always dreamed of. But… then again… they are nice, but they are not MY family! (I know…. too many BUTS in there! Oops)

So far… I DON’T LIKE BEING 50!! My stupid menopausal hormones are all over the place!! 

Christmas is forever changed, starting this year! I guess I just need to pray about it and hold onto Jesus’ hand and let Him guide me through it all. I need to find the JOY that my pastor preached about last Sunday.

I need to… Stop grieving. Quit being selfish. Think of others first. And… be happy for them. THIS will bring me happiness. Life IS good.

The Calm Before the Storm (Part 3)

Journal Entry: Thursday – December 11, 2014 (continued)

Sunday – December 7th

We woke up to a beautiful sunrise, but the weather was a bit more chilly. We decided to drive to find a place to eat some breakfast. When we came back, we hung out around the hotel while we waited for it to be time to watch football. (I am a huge Atlanta Falcons fan!) We also took a walk down the beach. We saw two HUGE dead jellyfish along the way! 

Hubs and I at the bar, watching football

When we came back, we sat out on the sun deck off of the lobby and relaxed with a beautiful view of the gulf. I had a slight headache from the wild night before, but … Hubs felt a LOT worse than I did! 

Since it was December, the hotel was decorated for Christmas. But, even without the Christmas decorations… it was SO beautiful! We waited around for Santa to arrive, just for fun. When he finally did… he looked like he’d been out half the night partying more than we did!! LOL! 

After we saw Santa, we headed out to find a bar to sit at and watch football. The first place that we went to was “okay”. I really wanted a cheeseburger and fries, but they didn’t have it on the menu. (Who doesn’t serve burgers and fries??) Too bad. The place was right on the beach and had a beautiful view. Oh well. 

Hubs really wanted Mexican for lunch, but I didn’t. But…. we ended up going to a Mexican place anyway to just have chips and salsa, with drinks. Then, we ended up going back to the same place that we had partied at the night before, Bamboo Willies. I had another one of their famous drinks… the Bushwacker. It was so good!! 

We didn’t stay there too long. Hubs really wanted to go back to the hotel. So, we did. We went to Frank & Lola’s bar, there. We had drinks and split a burger and fries. 

After we ate, we headed back up to our room. By this time, it was around 6:00 p.m. I was hoping that we might have some romanitic FUN – (if you know what I mean), but…. nope. Hubs was “too tired”, as usual. So…. I had to sit there by myself for a while. It was too early for “me” to go to sleep. 

Monday – December  8th

We headed home early. It was an AWESOME weekend and birthday trip!

Tuesday – December 9th (my actual birthday)

My girls surprised me with a birthday dinner with all of our friends at the Mexican place, here at home!! It was a fun surprise! My girls were there, of course, and most ALL of our friends! It was a lot of fun. 

Me and my beautiful girls

This concludes my birthday weekend (week). It was so much fun and something I will never forget!

At this point in my journey of being 50+, it didn’t look like it was going to be too bad.  But, unfortunately… the next couple of months proved that wrong, as you will see. Hopefully, you hang in there with me as I share my story! 

 

The Calm Before the Storm (part 2)

Journal Entry: Saturday – December 6, 2014

We got up this morning, packed and then headed out (in the car, this time) to find a place to get a biscuit. We ended up at a Burger King, several miles away in the ghetto part of Pensacola! LOL!

After that, we headed to the Perdido Key Beach area of Florida, to look for the south’s famous Flora-Bama!

This is a bar / restaraunt that sits on the beach, right on the Florida-Alabama state line. It’s been there since 1964, the same year that I was born! I was happy to learn that! There is a time line of the history of the Flora-Bama on their webpage. It’s pretty interesting. It’s been through hurricane’s and fires, but always bounces back! Lots of famous people have been there and several musical artists have written songs about it, including Kenny Chesney and Jimmy Buffet. 

Check out Kenny’s song and video HERE!

The Flora-Bama is a cool place! We hung out in the gift shop while we waited for it to open at 11:00. This is where I discovered that it opened in 1964. 

 

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While we waited for them to open, they let us walk around and take pictures. I loved it!! (a couple of years later, I got to go back at nighttime! THAT is another story for another day!)

We walked out on the beach, too. VERY PRETTY!! This is the same beach that Kenny Chesney had done his big concert on, back in the summer. It’s a HUGE beach!

Once they opened, we had a beer and some cajun oysters! YUM! I can’t believe that I like oysters, now. I always thought that they were grose! I got to try them once at a friends house, who cooked them Rockefeller style, and they were awesome! 

After we left there, we headed back through Pensacola to get to Pensacola Beach where our next hotel was – The Margaritaville Hotel!!! WAHOO!! This was THE most beautiful hotel that I’ve ever stayed at!! OMG! WOW! It felt like we were on an island somewhere in the caribbean! Our room overlooked the gulf and had a balcony! And from the elevator hallway, we had a view of the bay. Also, very pretty!

I fell in love with the bed in the room! The headboard looked like shutters. The bathroom was HUGE! The shower could have fit me, Hubs and BOTH of our big Golden Retrievers in it, easily! It was a huge walk-in tiled shower, surrounded by glass. SO nice!

The staff at the hotel were awesome! They made me feel so special because it was my birthday. We got a free Christmas ornament and free margarita’s, which were THE best I’ve ever had! (Of course. It’s Margaritaville!)

We changed into our UGA shirts (University of Georgia) and headed out to find a place to drink and watch the SEC Championship game. We went to one place and then walked around and found another. We ended up staying there and hanging out at the bar where we met some new friends. They were two young guys from Arizona who were truck drivers. One was named, Justin. He was a cutie! He was also a UGA fan! YAY! He was originally from Chicago. (I’m not sure how he became a UGA fan) 

The other guy was named Murphy. He was orginally from the Samoan Islands. (I thought he was Hawaian!) Once he learned that it was my birthday… he started buying us drinks and SHOTS!! It was crazy!! Then, we met another guy named Jay and his girlfriend, Winda. They were our age. They were super nice, too. We all had a blast together! Murphy even asked me to dance with him!! I love to dance and rarely get to, since Hubs won’t. Murphy gave me his hat, too. He was a sweetie! Hubs had to drag me away and back to the hotel — literally! I was SO drunk, but had THE best time!! 

Oh … by the way… Saturday, it was 78 degrees and sunny! PERFECT weather! 

I am still friends with Winda and Justin on Facebook. (He’s still out west and still single!)

Celebrating my 50th birthday! What a great night with some great people!